Saturday, December 24, 2011

Do You Have A Plan?

Here I am in the psych word. I wrote my first day away from home.

     I can feel my blood boil as the same question is asked. "Do you have a plan?"
What's that? A plan? A plan to kill myself? A way I've thought to do it? Climbing to the tallest most frightening building and jumping out? Or scrounging as many random pills as I can just to get the slightest taste of death? Maybe an attempt to hang myself so another person can walk in and stop me again? I guess my past has really caught up to me. There's no more ignoring it. It's haunting me. Is it being in and out of foster care as a child? Finding my mother dead at age 11? Or being molested at age 12? Does my father's lack of attention have anything to do with it? How about the physical abuse my grandfather decided to add on? Which ever it is, I'm not quite sure. Do I have a plan? Right now, my plan is to give as much information as I can to whoever I can that can help me. I'm tired of being stuck in my own thoughts. Not being able to describe how I feel anymore. I want to be able to move on from the same idea. I'm scared and confused. Not of people, but more so of myself, my own worst enemy. This is not how it should be anymore. I am depressed but yet, resilient and I want help.